Coping with Family Expectations as a Muslim Woman
As Muslim women we are often expected to continuously run around and fulfil the duties and expectations of family members. These can include immediate family members such as parents, spouse, and children, but can also stretch out to siblings, in laws, and other relatives. During a lot of this time, we do not expect anything in return as this is perceived as ‘our role’ and something we ‘should be doing’ as it is an expectation society sets on us from a very young age and a role given to us when we are young. This usually starts with carrying out duties in the family home where we see this as helping mum out. It could be anything from setting up the table to clearing up once everyone has finished. Whilst doing this, the young girl in us often wonders why her brother doesn’t also get asked to do these tasks? We may even ask this question, but will never quite get the answer or may never understand the reason behind this no matter how well explained. However, it is important we understand these expectations are placed on us mainly from our culture and society. We believe Allah (SWT) that He is Al-Adl (The Just) and will never place any burdens upon us unless we can bear them. We should also look to the example of our Noble Prophet Muhammad (SAW) who helped around the house and independently fulfilled His (SAW) duties and responsibilities.
Family expectations can look different for every woman and will differ from house to house. It is important to acknowledge that some sisters may carry this well or appear to be carrying this well whilst others are visibly struggling to manage. When there are added responsibilities, such as kids, school, work, household duties, responsibility for different family members; it can be difficult to juggle everything and can easily lead to burn out. Unfortunately, whilst we are fulfilling everyone’s responsibilities and running on survival mode, one thing we aren’t even thinking about is ourself. How can we? We’ve never been told that time for us matters. If we ever do manage to find five minutes in isolation, we are often hit by the guilt that we shouldn’t be enjoying that coffee in peace or there’s other things that need attending to.
Understanding the importance of self-care is vital, if no one is going to think about you, then why should that stop you from thinking about yourself? It’s time we stop feeling bad or guilty for choosing to focus on ourself because if we won’t, no one will. It’s important for the captain of the ship to remain strong as they are the one who needs to ride the ship and has the responsibility of all those sailing it. This same concept can be applied to all Muslim sisters, if you go down - not only will you fall in isolation, but also take down the entire ship you have on your shoulders.
It may sound easier to read than to practically make any changes, and one thing you shouldn’t do is expect change overnight. By now you must have established a routine whereby you are constantly doing and giving with little time for you. It will be difficult to suddenly ditch everything, but neither can you carry on without any self-care for you.
It is time to make a change and this can be achieved in small steps. You may want to start the day with focusing on you, even if this means waking up ten minutes earlier or not attending to the chores as soon as your eyes open, but using that time to get a breath of fresh air or enjoy your coffee with a TV programme or a nice breeze coming from the window. You can then gradually increase the time you give yourself each day and may even find you are benefiting from smaller periods of time throughout the day rather than one long period altogether.
You could also try making a list of things that are on your day to day schedule and reassess this and even move things that can be moved on to another day. Unless you take action, no one is going to do it for you which means you will stay in the same position until something does change. Allah(SWT) tells us that He will not change our condition, until we change what is within ourselves. This change will come within you and no matter how hard it may seem now, you will surely thank yourself for it very soon.
As Muslim women we need to remember Allah (SWT) has created us with strength and patience. We should also be eternally grateful for all that He (SWT) has blessed us with. The most important being our Deen, our health, and our family. If you do find yourself feeling sad, depressed, or let down, always remember “When a Muslim girl is born, she becomes a reason for her father to enter Paradise, when she grows up and marries a man, she completes half of his religion and when she becomes a mother, Paradise lies at her feet.” This is the status of Muslim women in Islam which has been bestowed upon us from the Almighty Creator - the Greatest of the Great.